President Obama: “I have a plan to pay off the entire national debt. Unfortunately, …”

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

“…unfortunately, it requires electing Mitt Romney President.” Thank you, Mr. President. What irony. Here’s how the plan works.


Yesterday, it was announced that our government has made another $2.7 billion by exercising our option to buy additional AIG stock, and then selling it. The stock market is up. Our total profit to date on the AIG bailout is now $15.1 billion. This is great. ..Or is it?

We’ll never know how the AIG mess would have turned out without government intervention, or how the $182.3 billion we gave the company could have been better spent to help the economy recover. What we do know is that an infusion of billions of dollars that weren’t forthcoming from the private sector – I wonder why not? – under very favorable terms – The very fact that AIG got the money at all was “favorable.” – should be enough to turn any company around.

And so, a light bulb went off above the President’s desk in the Oval Office. It was a fluorescent bulb, because of laws outlawing incandescent ones, and took awhile to come to full brightness, but it came on nonetheless.

“Geez,” the President thought to himself, reading the headline about the billions of dollars profit his AIG bailout has made, “I’m really good at this. It’s like Bain Capital, except that I’m Mitt and it’s the government that’s getting rich.”

“It’s simple really,” he hunched over and began writing feverishly on the yellow pad on which he had been doodling a Presidential seal. “All I need to do is borrow a few more trillion dollars from China and from.. from.. wherever. I’ll invest it in more companies that are in trouble, just like I did in the first stimulus program, and use the profits I make to balance the budget and start paying off our national debt. As Joe would say, ‘It’s f**kin’ genius, Boss!!’”

“The thing is,” the President thought to himself, leaning back in the Presidential chair, “I sure could use Mitt to help me make the investments. Good as I am at this investment banking stuff, the honest truth is, I’m a rank amateur compared to ‘The Mitt.’ ..Maybe he could turn the economy around while he’s at it, but then there’d be fewer firms to bailout? Hmm. I think I may be missing something. I’ll ask Mit…” He leaned forward and started reaching for the phone, but then stopped. “No. I can’t do that. Maybe he’ll settle for being Secretary of the Treasury in my second term. He likes being around money. ..Nah, he’ll never go for it. What if Michelle and I vote for him and he’s elected President and makes me Treasury Secretary? Wait. What am I saying?”

There’s an elbow knocking on the open door to the Oval Office. “Mr. President?”

“Hey, Joe. Com’on in.”

“Good morning.” Putting the bag with the egg and cheese bagel and orange juice next to the President’s laptop, the Vice President, a partially eaten chocolate frosted donut in his other hand, couldn’t help but notice the expression on the President’s face. “What’s up, Mr. President? You look perplexed.”

“Ehh, it’s nothing. I thought I might be onto something.”

-Next Contestant

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